Alright, confession time: I almost forgot the Bachelorette was on tonight. True story. Busy night I guess. Thankfully, the PVR did not forget. So, let’s settle in with some popcorn and gin and watch the show. Now, normally I blog after I watch the entire episode, but tonight, I promise to blog as I watch so that I’m as shocked and surprised by the dramatic twists and turns as you are. Don’t go choking on your popcorn when I say that. I’m serious, yo.
(Sidebar: I’m still going to use the PVR to skip commercials. Unless said commercials involve pictures of Zac Efron poolside or Cristiano Ronaldo’s new Armani ads. Google that, people, you won’t be disappointed. Go ahead, I’ll wait.)
So, with thoughts of Zac and Cristiano running in my head, I hit play on the old PVR and what do I see? Previews of David Hasselhoff and his upcoming gig in Young and the Restless. Karma, you mock me!
First up, we learn that the guys get kicked out of the Bach Pad and get set to travel the world. I hope all these clowns have their passports up to date. Then my mind starts to drift to thoughts of the Amazing Race and who I think would win. I’d like to see Chris L and Kirk team up, maybe Justin and the Weatherman, just for fun. Frank could team up with the Travelocity gnome. You know, whatever. But no such luck. Just a bunch of high five-ing (like that’s a word) and Chris L talking about home field advantage.
I love New York City, so I’m jealous. Then I learn that Ali is getting a makeover from InStyle mag, which would be awesome, and so I’m even more jealous. We also see the guys clowning around on the plane. Dumbasses. I’m sure they were probably hamming it up for the camera, and I’m hoping in reality that most of the guys slept all the way there, and I know that somebody probably watched Valentines Day and cried at the end when Julia Roberts meets up with her…no worries, I won’t spoil it for you. And as if that somebody wasn’t Jonathan.
Date card: Kermit gets a one-on-one date. Ug. Not one of my favourites, this Kasey guy. Mostly it’s because of his voice, but also because of the editing to make me think he’s a weirdo who grunts at gorillas, stalks the one ex-girlfriend he’s got, and thinks God put him on the earth for the sole reason to protect and guard Ali. Lovely. Still single, Kermit? Surprising.
So, is the editing truthful? Mostly yes. First of all, the helicopter thing has been way overdone on this show but to see NYC by helicopter is pretty cool. Would love to do that in my lifetime. Then I hear Kasey comparing Ali to a butterfly expanding her wings and I’m back to reality. And then…the best thing ever…dude breaks into song. And then…even better…Ali giggles awkwardly. Oh man, you can actually see Ali dying a little bit inside. Love it. Suck on that, Glee!
Next up, a Night at the Museum, sans Ben Stiller. And then, the kiss of death: Kermit asks Ali what she sees for the rest of her life. Her answer: what do YOU see for the rest of your life? Oh poor dude, you are so not getting a rose.
Back at the ranch, the group date card surfaces: Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Jonathan, Frank, and Ty. The message: Let’s Play! Dudes are high five-ing (again with that word) and grunting and such.
Back at the museum, Kermit continues to live up to his editing. Zero chemistry and he’s still working like a dog to convince her that she should choose him. This is rather un-comfortable. Best line: It’s just my heart – jump in – stay awhile. And then: more singing! Are you kidding me with this crap? Oh man, my finger is itching to hit fast forward. Seriously, Ali, send this guy packing! Stop prolonging this insanity. Finally she has the conversation and she totally kills me: she doesn’t fork over a rose, but she’s not going to send him home either. You gotta know that Chris Harrison is somewhere behind the camera, frantically flipping through his well-worn copy of the Rule Book (with heavy highlights on the chapter on staffers, naturally), wondering what the hell just happened. But seriously, she’s essentially saying that she’s just going to make this easier on herself and reject Kasey at the rose ceremony. Class act, Ali. Class. Act.
And now, the Group Date. It starts in Time Square where Ali appears on the big screen in pseudo soft-porn footage and the guys learn that they have to find her. I had my hopes up for a scavenger type hunt but they basically turn around and see her staring at them. Weak.
They head over to the Lion King and the guys try out, not for the show, which would have been awesome, but for a date with Ali. Jonathan claims he’s going to nail this audition, and I totally believe him. Up first, the dance competition. Meh. Next, singing. So very bad. Until Jesse. Has Jesse ever even got any screen time on this show? I swear I’ve never seen him before. I’d like to see more. And as usual, Roberto is hot. Out of Ali’s league, and I’m wondering when he’s going to pull the switch, so he still gets picked for the next Bachelor but not as Ali’s husband. Are all the guys wearing different colour shirts because nobody wants to learn their names? Cuz I’m down with that. In fact, I respect that.
Roberto wins the date and what a surprise, they get to appear in Lion King. What is up with Ali’s costume? Whoa. Also loved the converted janitor’s closet with the Ali gold star taped on the door. Awesome. And why are the dudes sitting out in the lobby and not in the theatre? Something is not adding up, methinks.
After the Broadway show, everybody heads up to some private room for drinks, tension, and one-on-one time. Ali’s not feeling well and Jonathan is worried that he won’t get his chance. Roberto steals the show by making a better weather-related joke than the Weatherman himself. Frank moves up in the rankings. Kirk continues to seem like a pretty good guy. Ali decides not to give out a rose tonight. Somewhere, Chris Harrison throws the rule book right out of the window. Kirk gets to tuck Ali in but doesn’t spend the night. Guess what Kirk, you just bought yourself a ticket to the final three.
Second one-on-one date goes to the birthday boy: Chris L. I’m loving this guy. Just realized that I picked the wrong Chris in a Bachelorette pool I’m in. Damn! But I’m loving Chris L and I hope he doesn’t disappoint. Turns out that Ali is the one who disappoints since she’s too sick to go on the big date, but Chris L still gets an invite to look after her. Call me a sap, but this is a nice date. Obviously I’m biased because I like him, but this is cozy. They bond. After a miraculous recovery, they go out on their date, which is great. The one thing that I can be critical about is this: the dude pretty much pours his heart out, you can tell he never talks about emotional ‘stuff’, he gets a tear in his eye talking about his mother dying, and she doesn’t even make any move to comfort him. Weird. In spite of that, they have a great date, and he gets a rose. They end the date with a private concert with Joshua Radin, who I’ve never heard of, but sounded pretty amazing.
Kasey’s off getting a tattoo of a shield protecting a heart. Jackass. The editors must love this guy. He thinks the ink will help Ali ‘open up’ to him. Again, a jackass. Also, if you don’t want the guys to know you got a tattoo, try wearing a long sleeved shirt. Just sayin’. Justin calls him a fibber. Not kidding, a fibber.
Finally we get to the Rose Ceremony party and Ali is working overtime on the boob tape. I’m not yet feeling the love for Ali. What is she bringing to the table, other than a job at Facebook? And then, more singing and guitar playing, from the Weatherman this time. Why, Weatherman, why? Because he’s more of a singer/songwriter, yo. I’m starting to get excited for Kasey to do the big reveal. She’d better puke right in his face. But first we have to see a confrontation between Kasey and Justin and I’m not surprised that Kasey cracks. I love the camera shot that shows how much Kasey is sweating. I’m stunned that none of the guys laugh out loud when the tattoo makes an appearance. Best detail: there are 11 stones on the tattoo, representing the top 11 guys. Top 11, yo, top 11. This, right here, is why I watch this show. And now, the reveal to Ali: starts with a half-eaten bag of candy, too much talking by Kasey, and then….Frank interrupts before we see the tattoo. Damn it, Frank!
Who stays: Chris L (lovely), Kirk (obviously), Frank (clean your glasses dude), Craig (no comment on this cat), Chris N (the Chris I picked in my pool – what??), Roberto (bonjour), Justin (try not to look too surprised), Ty, and Kasey (can’t wait for that shoe to drop).
Who goes: The Weatherman and Jesse, who talks for the first time, about missing his dogs.
Next week: Kirk’s got a secret (my prediction is either an ex-fiancée or a child…maybe both) and Kasey continues to be a lunatic.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
The Bachelorette Ali Episode Three: Don't Call My Name, Roberto
Two things struck me immediately as the episode started. Actually, five things:
First, although it’s the same old thing season after season, for some reason it really hit me tonight: are these dudes so hard up for a date that they need to come on this show? There are some nice looking guys in the crop and I’m just having a hard time believing they really are on the show to find true love. And I mean true, sincere, eHarmony-style, here for the right reasons, kind of love. Ali is a nice enough girl, but come on, there are lots of girls out in the world, no? I’m trying to imagine a single guy, out in the world, sitting at home and thinking to himself that hey, this is my one and only shot, to compete against 15 or so other cats to bag a wife. That’s right, I said bag a wife. Hey, it’s the Bachelorette, people, calm down.
On the other hand, I guess it is one way to eat up your vacation time.
Second, I’m surprised (and somewhat impressed) that we haven’t seen more product placement on this show. If you’ve ever watched Biggest Loser, you know what I’m talking about. For example, Crest White Strips would be perfect. Corona. Bud Light Lime. Brita. Extra gum (sugar-free of course). Subway. And so on. You get my point.
Third, this episode and probably the next few are just filler for me. We get a little bit of back story on some of the cats, but the editing is too much and we still haven’t separated the men from the boys. Boring, hey?
Fourth, what do you think these guys really do in their down time during the show? If these guys are just sitting around talking, shooting hoops, working out and drinking beer, then it’s no surprise that they are all over Justin. They gotta do something.
Finally, these two hour episodes have got to end.
And now let’s get to the show.
Roberto is hot. Am I alone in thinking this? “So protective and manly”. Also, he speaks Spanish. In fact, he sheepishly confesses he has a ‘thing for languages’. Yes, girls, I know. The kiss mid-way across the high wire was a little heavy on the cheese, but mostly golden. Ali was eating it up. Could he be my new front-runner? Maybe for the next Bachelor, but not for last man standing. Sorry Ali, this cat is too much for you. No surprise he got a rose on their one-on-one date.
Kasey’s voice is killing me. Softly.
Were the guys this buff in season’s past? Just wondering.
I got nothing to say about the group date/video shoot.
Ha. Did you really believe that? Holy crap, have the Barenaked Ladies hit rock bottom? Look, I don’t mind the Barenaked Ladies and I really like the song featured in tonight’s show. But they’re slipping after making an appearance on this show. Not cool. I especially enjoyed when the gang first met up with the band and they played a song for them and everyone stood around…’dancing’. You know that feeling when you’re at a concert and everyone’s dancing, especially the drunk girl beside you (ahem, Ali) but you don’t really feel like dancing so you kind of awkwardly sway and wish you could either be drunk or just sit down and enjoy the music in peace? Maybe I’m the only who’s felt that way. But I definitely saw it tonight in some of the guys.
The actual video shoot was terrible. Poor Weatherman, thinking he got a passionate kiss when it was really just a sympathy kiss to show up the other guys. And hey, no worries, I checked it out, in the ‘real’ video, there is no one even resembling Ali or any of the guys. I half expected a cameo from Chris Harrison, but no such luck.
I’m pleased that Chris L finally told Ali about his mom. I feel relieved, actually, and got a bit teary. I’m a sucker for mama stories. I think Chris L will be around for awhile.
Kirk is impressing me. Huh. Didn’t see that coming, but there it is. No surprise that the rose goes to Kirk. I like him. There, I said it.
I also hope Justin sticks around. He’s a bit over the top with his whole ‘I gotta be a daddy’ schtick, but I guess we all gotta have something. Plus I love how the other guys froth at the mouth about him.
For the first time this season, I actually feel nervous and it was during Hunter and Ali’s date. Not when they were talking about who’s going to look after the kids and who’s going to go to work. That made me laugh. Hard. I did get nervous though when the rose was sitting out there, because we all knew that Hunter was not getting that rose. Better luck with the next girl, darlin’.
Finally we get to the Pre-Rose Ceremony party and it’s a full-on Justin drama-rama. I don’t get why the other cats care what he does. I mean really, they should care what they do, not what the other cats do. But how many times have I said that? (Answer: every season).
So who stays and who goes?
Stay-sies: Roberto, Kirk, Chris L, Jesse (I hope he at least ironed his denim shirt), Chris N, Ty, Kasey, Craig, Frank, The Weatherman, and Justin.
Goes-ies (not to be confused with Go-Sees): Steve and John C
Next week: Kasey is Krazy.
Current Last Man Standing: Chris L (subject to change, naturally), followed closely by Kirk and Roberto.
First, although it’s the same old thing season after season, for some reason it really hit me tonight: are these dudes so hard up for a date that they need to come on this show? There are some nice looking guys in the crop and I’m just having a hard time believing they really are on the show to find true love. And I mean true, sincere, eHarmony-style, here for the right reasons, kind of love. Ali is a nice enough girl, but come on, there are lots of girls out in the world, no? I’m trying to imagine a single guy, out in the world, sitting at home and thinking to himself that hey, this is my one and only shot, to compete against 15 or so other cats to bag a wife. That’s right, I said bag a wife. Hey, it’s the Bachelorette, people, calm down.
On the other hand, I guess it is one way to eat up your vacation time.
Second, I’m surprised (and somewhat impressed) that we haven’t seen more product placement on this show. If you’ve ever watched Biggest Loser, you know what I’m talking about. For example, Crest White Strips would be perfect. Corona. Bud Light Lime. Brita. Extra gum (sugar-free of course). Subway. And so on. You get my point.
Third, this episode and probably the next few are just filler for me. We get a little bit of back story on some of the cats, but the editing is too much and we still haven’t separated the men from the boys. Boring, hey?
Fourth, what do you think these guys really do in their down time during the show? If these guys are just sitting around talking, shooting hoops, working out and drinking beer, then it’s no surprise that they are all over Justin. They gotta do something.
Finally, these two hour episodes have got to end.
And now let’s get to the show.
Roberto is hot. Am I alone in thinking this? “So protective and manly”. Also, he speaks Spanish. In fact, he sheepishly confesses he has a ‘thing for languages’. Yes, girls, I know. The kiss mid-way across the high wire was a little heavy on the cheese, but mostly golden. Ali was eating it up. Could he be my new front-runner? Maybe for the next Bachelor, but not for last man standing. Sorry Ali, this cat is too much for you. No surprise he got a rose on their one-on-one date.
Kasey’s voice is killing me. Softly.
Were the guys this buff in season’s past? Just wondering.
I got nothing to say about the group date/video shoot.
Ha. Did you really believe that? Holy crap, have the Barenaked Ladies hit rock bottom? Look, I don’t mind the Barenaked Ladies and I really like the song featured in tonight’s show. But they’re slipping after making an appearance on this show. Not cool. I especially enjoyed when the gang first met up with the band and they played a song for them and everyone stood around…’dancing’. You know that feeling when you’re at a concert and everyone’s dancing, especially the drunk girl beside you (ahem, Ali) but you don’t really feel like dancing so you kind of awkwardly sway and wish you could either be drunk or just sit down and enjoy the music in peace? Maybe I’m the only who’s felt that way. But I definitely saw it tonight in some of the guys.
The actual video shoot was terrible. Poor Weatherman, thinking he got a passionate kiss when it was really just a sympathy kiss to show up the other guys. And hey, no worries, I checked it out, in the ‘real’ video, there is no one even resembling Ali or any of the guys. I half expected a cameo from Chris Harrison, but no such luck.
I’m pleased that Chris L finally told Ali about his mom. I feel relieved, actually, and got a bit teary. I’m a sucker for mama stories. I think Chris L will be around for awhile.
Kirk is impressing me. Huh. Didn’t see that coming, but there it is. No surprise that the rose goes to Kirk. I like him. There, I said it.
I also hope Justin sticks around. He’s a bit over the top with his whole ‘I gotta be a daddy’ schtick, but I guess we all gotta have something. Plus I love how the other guys froth at the mouth about him.
For the first time this season, I actually feel nervous and it was during Hunter and Ali’s date. Not when they were talking about who’s going to look after the kids and who’s going to go to work. That made me laugh. Hard. I did get nervous though when the rose was sitting out there, because we all knew that Hunter was not getting that rose. Better luck with the next girl, darlin’.
Finally we get to the Pre-Rose Ceremony party and it’s a full-on Justin drama-rama. I don’t get why the other cats care what he does. I mean really, they should care what they do, not what the other cats do. But how many times have I said that? (Answer: every season).
So who stays and who goes?
Stay-sies: Roberto, Kirk, Chris L, Jesse (I hope he at least ironed his denim shirt), Chris N, Ty, Kasey, Craig, Frank, The Weatherman, and Justin.
Goes-ies (not to be confused with Go-Sees): Steve and John C
Next week: Kasey is Krazy.
Current Last Man Standing: Chris L (subject to change, naturally), followed closely by Kirk and Roberto.
Monday, May 24, 2010
The Bachelorette Season Who Cares, Episode 1: Warming Up
Hey y'all.
I know, I know. It's been awhile. What can I say? That I've been busy? Hmm...not really. That I haven't been watching tv? Ha. Oh lord, I still watch waay too much TV. Love my pvr. Just haven't been into blogging. Too many spoilers out there (ahem, Reality Steve) to get too worked up.
And yet here I am. The sound of ChrisBot's* gentle voice brought me out of my blog silence. And so I just can't help it. Please stick with me, dear Perogy readers, as I warm up the blog and share with you just a few of my thoughts, albeit somewhat rambling, from tonight's episode.
First of all, the previews for the upcoming season look uber dramatic, no surprise there. But don't get sucked in just yet. We all know that the editors know what they are doing. They take next to nothing footage, slap on a clip with an ambulance in it, and boom: I now have to watch every episode to see what happens. Nice work, editors. But, let me put out this plea: Please stop with the fake leaning-on-a-rail/sitting-on-a-rock/gazing-out-of-a-window/sipping-a steaming-cup-of-whatever/staring-off-into-the-sunset scenes where we are supposed to believe someone is pondering how they will ever find their true love. Normal people don't do this. Normal people may do this while sitting at their desk at work, or after too many drinks at the bar, or standing in line for coffee, or doing laundry, or just generally carrying out their normal life, or not at all. Enough, editors, enough. No one is buying it.
ChrisBot is one of my favourite tv personalities. Not sure if personality is the right word - maybe I should say staffer. I really do like him, but he needs a better writer. Think about it. I'm pretty sure he would have next to nothing to say if the following words and phrases were verboten: Shocking. Drama(tic). Connection. Open and honest. Tough decision. Ready to find love. (Not) here for the right reasons. Up next. And Then. Just hand that out when you're ready. Gentlemen, Ali, this is the final rose. I'm sure many more will unearth themselves by the end of this season, but the list has begun.
Is being an outdoorsman a real job? I suppose it's a mash up of angler, trapper, fisher, hunter, Cabela's shopper, but huh. Didn't know that was a way to make a living. I guess it's true that you do learn something every day. You go, Hunter. Oh wait, Hunter is the Internet Account Executive. Kyle is the outdoorsman. You go, Kyle. But lose the faux fishing rod schtick. Weak.
Speaking of the cats, can we talk about the Canadian boys for a minute? Listen, we are all Canucks and all of that, but out of the three that are Canadian, only one even stands a chance. Chris H. No, not Chris Harrison, but Chris H from Vancouver. Early favourite. I'm just putting that out there. No specific reason, just a feeling. Justin, another Canuck, who doubles as The Wrestler, seems alright but I just cannot get Mickey Rourke out of my mind. And not the hot Mickey Rourke, but the greasy, bleached, scarred and washed up Mickey Rourke. Shudder. And I can't even speak about Craig M except for the fact that I'm never going to Brazen Head pub. Ever. Gross.
More on the cats: Kasey has a frog in his throat. Frank's wild but I don't mind him, actually. Roberto is sexy. Jonathan is a weatherman and he's also an early favourite. Jay has terrible hair, as does Craig M. Terrible! But what I really want to talk about is all these similarly-named guys. Three guys named Chris, two Craigs, two Dereks, two Jasons, two Johns, and three Ty(lers). What up with that? I thought I might go check out google to see what the most popular names were like, 27 years ago, but then I realized that 27 years ago was 1983 and then I felt old and then I quit caring about the names.
Plus, are you with me here, people: People on this show have got to be lying about their real ages, Catherine Zeta-Jones style. I'm not great at guessing people's ages, but some of these cats look a lot older than they claim to be.
Also, if you're nickname is Shooter, keep the explanation to yourself. 'Nuff said.
A note to the producers: I'm thinking it might be time to get rid of the limo entrance scenes. Yes, it's a great way to kill an hour. Yes, it's a great way to see the 'first meeting', but I like it better when it's The Bach and we can check out the dresses and hairstyles of all the girls but with 25 guys it's just not the same. I'd rather see a quick montage of all the bios of all the guys (like the editors do with a select few). Are you listening, editors?
Sidebar: Chris Harrison doesn't say it, but I've already heard it too much from everyone else on the show: 'I gave up my apartment/condo to be here'. Suck it, people. Who cares? Is that really what people say to each other these days? 'Look, I don't care if you like me or whatever, but I gave up my apartment to be here. Do you hear me? My APARTMENT. You have to love me.' First of all, I don't understand why people have to give up apartments and such. Can't you sublet? Cover the rent? Is the economy that bad? I think I've officially found my new drinking game for this show. Can't use any of the words that I mentioned previously for Chris Bot, we'd all be drunk half an hour in. But hearing 'Giving up my apartment/condo/my life' = one gin and tonic. Oh yes, I'mma gonna like this season. Might need more gin, though.
Speaking of hard economic times, I wonder if ABC rents out the House for Bachelor(ette) parties. I mean real parties, natch. Would be a fun time, no?
I was a bit surprised that Justin was chosen as most likely to be on the show for the wrong reason. Whaaaa??? Is this the editors doing their magic or did I miss something?
Sidebar: Given all the reality show crossovers and inbreeding and the like, would anyone watch if there was a Celebrity Bachelor or Bachelorette? I'm imagining one famous person and 25 'regular' people. And who would you like to see on said show? I was going to say Boston Rob since I'm totally trying to start a rumour that he's going to be on the next Celebrity Apprentice but then I remembered: wife AND child. Scratch that. But imagine: The Donald. Boston Rob. Sly glances between Boston Rob and Ivanka. The Boardoom. Think about it. Then tell all your friends about it.
Second choice for Celebrity Bachelor: Jimmy Kimmel. Tell me you wouldn't watch that season. Seriously. Who wouldn't watch it? I'm pretty sure even Brad Womack would come out of hiding to make an appearance on that one. And who wouldn't want that?
So who's left at the end of the first show: Roberto (yes), Justin, Jesse (yes), Ty (meh), Craig R (seriously?), Tyler V (yes), Frank (sure okay), Steve (who?), Chris L (yes!), Kirk (who?), John C (okay), Chris N (not Chris Noth, not by a long shot), Chris H (phew), Hunter (I guess so - not kidding, that's what he said when she asked if he would accept the rose), Craig M (girlfriend at home?), Jonathan, and the final rose goes to....wait for it...Kasey (ribbit).
My three early favourites are still standing. Jonathan, the weatherman, because he seems the most like Jake. Chris H, from Vancouver - not sure why, just like him. And Chris L, but I'm not sure if I like his move to not mention his mother's recent passing when he had a chance. Part of me respects it a lot, but another part of me is just not sure. Still deciding.
See y'all next week!
*ChrisBot is a nickname I like to use for Chris Harrison. Like him a lot, but his poker face sometimes just kills me. There are so many times that I think he'd rather literally spit out his drink and laugh out loud, but no. Dude keeps the straightest face ever. Love him.
I know, I know. It's been awhile. What can I say? That I've been busy? Hmm...not really. That I haven't been watching tv? Ha. Oh lord, I still watch waay too much TV. Love my pvr. Just haven't been into blogging. Too many spoilers out there (ahem, Reality Steve) to get too worked up.
And yet here I am. The sound of ChrisBot's* gentle voice brought me out of my blog silence. And so I just can't help it. Please stick with me, dear Perogy readers, as I warm up the blog and share with you just a few of my thoughts, albeit somewhat rambling, from tonight's episode.
First of all, the previews for the upcoming season look uber dramatic, no surprise there. But don't get sucked in just yet. We all know that the editors know what they are doing. They take next to nothing footage, slap on a clip with an ambulance in it, and boom: I now have to watch every episode to see what happens. Nice work, editors. But, let me put out this plea: Please stop with the fake leaning-on-a-rail/sitting-on-a-rock/gazing-out-of-a-window/sipping-a steaming-cup-of-whatever/staring-off-into-the-sunset scenes where we are supposed to believe someone is pondering how they will ever find their true love. Normal people don't do this. Normal people may do this while sitting at their desk at work, or after too many drinks at the bar, or standing in line for coffee, or doing laundry, or just generally carrying out their normal life, or not at all. Enough, editors, enough. No one is buying it.
ChrisBot is one of my favourite tv personalities. Not sure if personality is the right word - maybe I should say staffer. I really do like him, but he needs a better writer. Think about it. I'm pretty sure he would have next to nothing to say if the following words and phrases were verboten: Shocking. Drama(tic). Connection. Open and honest. Tough decision. Ready to find love. (Not) here for the right reasons. Up next. And Then. Just hand that out when you're ready. Gentlemen, Ali, this is the final rose. I'm sure many more will unearth themselves by the end of this season, but the list has begun.
Is being an outdoorsman a real job? I suppose it's a mash up of angler, trapper, fisher, hunter, Cabela's shopper, but huh. Didn't know that was a way to make a living. I guess it's true that you do learn something every day. You go, Hunter. Oh wait, Hunter is the Internet Account Executive. Kyle is the outdoorsman. You go, Kyle. But lose the faux fishing rod schtick. Weak.
Speaking of the cats, can we talk about the Canadian boys for a minute? Listen, we are all Canucks and all of that, but out of the three that are Canadian, only one even stands a chance. Chris H. No, not Chris Harrison, but Chris H from Vancouver. Early favourite. I'm just putting that out there. No specific reason, just a feeling. Justin, another Canuck, who doubles as The Wrestler, seems alright but I just cannot get Mickey Rourke out of my mind. And not the hot Mickey Rourke, but the greasy, bleached, scarred and washed up Mickey Rourke. Shudder. And I can't even speak about Craig M except for the fact that I'm never going to Brazen Head pub. Ever. Gross.
More on the cats: Kasey has a frog in his throat. Frank's wild but I don't mind him, actually. Roberto is sexy. Jonathan is a weatherman and he's also an early favourite. Jay has terrible hair, as does Craig M. Terrible! But what I really want to talk about is all these similarly-named guys. Three guys named Chris, two Craigs, two Dereks, two Jasons, two Johns, and three Ty(lers). What up with that? I thought I might go check out google to see what the most popular names were like, 27 years ago, but then I realized that 27 years ago was 1983 and then I felt old and then I quit caring about the names.
Plus, are you with me here, people: People on this show have got to be lying about their real ages, Catherine Zeta-Jones style. I'm not great at guessing people's ages, but some of these cats look a lot older than they claim to be.
Also, if you're nickname is Shooter, keep the explanation to yourself. 'Nuff said.
A note to the producers: I'm thinking it might be time to get rid of the limo entrance scenes. Yes, it's a great way to kill an hour. Yes, it's a great way to see the 'first meeting', but I like it better when it's The Bach and we can check out the dresses and hairstyles of all the girls but with 25 guys it's just not the same. I'd rather see a quick montage of all the bios of all the guys (like the editors do with a select few). Are you listening, editors?
Sidebar: Chris Harrison doesn't say it, but I've already heard it too much from everyone else on the show: 'I gave up my apartment/condo to be here'. Suck it, people. Who cares? Is that really what people say to each other these days? 'Look, I don't care if you like me or whatever, but I gave up my apartment to be here. Do you hear me? My APARTMENT. You have to love me.' First of all, I don't understand why people have to give up apartments and such. Can't you sublet? Cover the rent? Is the economy that bad? I think I've officially found my new drinking game for this show. Can't use any of the words that I mentioned previously for Chris Bot, we'd all be drunk half an hour in. But hearing 'Giving up my apartment/condo/my life' = one gin and tonic. Oh yes, I'mma gonna like this season. Might need more gin, though.
Speaking of hard economic times, I wonder if ABC rents out the House for Bachelor(ette) parties. I mean real parties, natch. Would be a fun time, no?
I was a bit surprised that Justin was chosen as most likely to be on the show for the wrong reason. Whaaaa??? Is this the editors doing their magic or did I miss something?
Sidebar: Given all the reality show crossovers and inbreeding and the like, would anyone watch if there was a Celebrity Bachelor or Bachelorette? I'm imagining one famous person and 25 'regular' people. And who would you like to see on said show? I was going to say Boston Rob since I'm totally trying to start a rumour that he's going to be on the next Celebrity Apprentice but then I remembered: wife AND child. Scratch that. But imagine: The Donald. Boston Rob. Sly glances between Boston Rob and Ivanka. The Boardoom. Think about it. Then tell all your friends about it.
Second choice for Celebrity Bachelor: Jimmy Kimmel. Tell me you wouldn't watch that season. Seriously. Who wouldn't watch it? I'm pretty sure even Brad Womack would come out of hiding to make an appearance on that one. And who wouldn't want that?
So who's left at the end of the first show: Roberto (yes), Justin, Jesse (yes), Ty (meh), Craig R (seriously?), Tyler V (yes), Frank (sure okay), Steve (who?), Chris L (yes!), Kirk (who?), John C (okay), Chris N (not Chris Noth, not by a long shot), Chris H (phew), Hunter (I guess so - not kidding, that's what he said when she asked if he would accept the rose), Craig M (girlfriend at home?), Jonathan, and the final rose goes to....wait for it...Kasey (ribbit).
My three early favourites are still standing. Jonathan, the weatherman, because he seems the most like Jake. Chris H, from Vancouver - not sure why, just like him. And Chris L, but I'm not sure if I like his move to not mention his mother's recent passing when he had a chance. Part of me respects it a lot, but another part of me is just not sure. Still deciding.
See y'all next week!
*ChrisBot is a nickname I like to use for Chris Harrison. Like him a lot, but his poker face sometimes just kills me. There are so many times that I think he'd rather literally spit out his drink and laugh out loud, but no. Dude keeps the straightest face ever. Love him.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Bachelor On the Wings of Love Episode 5: Shouldn't they be flying around on a private plane instead of driving trailers?
Is it just me, or is this season officially the worst season ever? Zero drama, dull dude, forgettable girls, definitely not enough Chris Harrison. Ug. Plus that whole fiasco with Rozco and The Staffer has forced everyone to do the rest of the show the road, and let’s be honest: nobody likes road trips. At least not when the road trip involves crazy chicks and one guy, especially when you’re one of the crazy chicks and all you do is sit around with the other crazy chicks, talking smack and wondering when said guy might make an appearance. I want a hot bachelor (think Brad Womack or Graham Bunn), and girls that actually might have a brain and maybe something interesting to say about it (I do like Corrie though, so that probably means she’s doomed). How about some damn date boxes – no more date ‘cards’ - and maybe some more creative dates like a hot-dog eating contest or a marathon? Yes. A marathon, followed immediately by a hot-dog eating contest. That would be entertaining. And isn’t that what we’re all here for? Do you really honestly care if Jake finds someone to spend his life with? Sure, of course, we all say that we do, but come on. I’d rather be entertained. People fall in love all the time, or so eHarmony tells me. But Vienna eating fifty hot dogs in half an hour? You can’t buy a ticket to that kind of show. Well, maybe you could. But it won’t happen, I know. Sigh. So given such a boring season, how will I ever find ten moments to blog about? Oh I’ll do it. Plus my double gin and tonic will be helping. Come on, y’all, I can’t be watching this thing sans alcohol. Nope.
Ok, ok, I’m slacking. Let me drain this drink, hit play on the PVR, and get started on ten random thoughts:
1. Tenley is positive all the time. Tenley admits that she learned a good lesson from her first marriage: not to take someone for granted. She asks him what he expects from marriage: respect, always have his back, love and honour, etc. He says that ‘A marriage is never going to be perfect, but the love can be’. I might have had one too many gin and tonics, but I actually liked that line. Definitely too much gin in that last one. ‘Pilots and faithfulness: cheating is a choice; the woman that I marry will be the last women I look at’. Undoubtedly not true, but his intentions were good, so I guess I have to give it to him on that one. I do admire Tenley for actually asking some real questions of the cat who potentially could fork over an engagement ring in a week or two. Not like some of the other crazy chicks who just smile and swoon and don’t ask anything at all. Wouldn’t want to appear contrary. That’s no way to land a man.
2. My final comment about the date with Tenley and Jake: I’ve been down one or two back alleys in Chinatown and they are NEVER that clean and there is NEVER an old Chinese man playing a traditional Chinese instrument. You’ll see lots of other weird crap but no way, not that.
3. Corrie’s joke was awesome: ‘Ali and Vienna – come be the queens in my castle. PSYCH!!’ It’s really Gia and Vienna who are going on the two-on-one but I’ll admit that a date with both Ali and Vienna is exactly what this season needed. However, Vienna and Ali chat and I’m starting think that both of these chicks are crazy. Ali accuses Vienna of talking badly about the girls in the house, even though we only see Ali trash talk Vienna. It stuns me that these girls are indignant that other girls getting close to ‘their man’. Um. That’s the whole premise of the show, girlies. Deal with it. He ain’t nobody’s man until that rock makes an appearance.
4. Let’s talk about Vienna for a minute. I don’t care about the topless pictures of her floating around the internet, or the speculation that she’s a dude or whatever. She’s probably harmless. But she really should lose the blonde locks. Please, Vienna, if you’re around as one of the final two, please please please become a brunette – would look soooo much better.
5. Oh my god, I spoke too soon. An actual date box shows up for Vienna and Gia. A big ole trunk full of clothes for the girls to choose from for their date. Suhweet. And then, they’re off in the limo, with the two girls sitting dangerously close to one another, until Vienna sticks her head out the window to smell the breeze. Kidding, kidding she doesn’t do that (too bad, because part of me thinks she actually did and the editors were like – can we leave that in? We can’t leave it in. But it would be hilarious. Let’s do it, let’s leave it in. Noooo, we can’t). The date itself is at a vineyard. Didn’t we already do a winery type thing? With Gia, spinning bottles? There better be some damn hot dogs somewhere up in that castle, served up by Chris Harrison.
6. Love how Gia calls him on his signature move: how he likes to put the girl’s legs on his lap when they’re talking. (Sidebar: for the male blog readers out there: chicks really do dig this move). Gia wonders how she can feel special when he does that with all the other girls. He recovers poorly from that one. Actually, he totally sidesteps it by going overboard with the compliments. But what else could he do? As they kiss, Vienna gets lost somewhere in the castle. Later, Vienna sneaks into bed with Jake while Gia stays behind. We unfortunately learn that Jake sleeps with his Timex on, that he says things like ‘I’m just about nekkid’, and that he admits to having dirty thoughts about Vienna. I start to wonder about Jake’s past relationships. Or lack thereof. Oh yeah, I went there.
7. Total sidebar since I usually skip all the commercials, but what does it say about me that I’m kind of looking forward to the movie Valentine’s Day? Hmmm… I’ll tell you what it says about me: I also like the show Cougar Town. There. I’ve outted myself. Feels much better.
8. Vienna talks about what she wants from her marriage. How old is this girl? She seems a lot younger than the rest. She seems like she doesn’t have a ‘real’ concept about what marriage really would be like. Did I just write that sentence, like I somehow give a crap about Vienna’s ideals about marriage? Wow. Where’s my gin & tonic?
9. Corrie has a one-on-one date with Jake. I like Corrie but I’ll admit that I PVR’d most of the way through this one. I just can’t watch boring dates for two straight hours. So hard. Even from my fast-forwarding, I could tell there was no kiss and no chemistry. Awkward. I stop just in time to hear her tell Jake she’s a virgin and to see a kiss. I admire the hell out of her on all counts but Jake is not the right guy for her. Not at all. He reassures her that her virginity is not an issue for him but I call bullsh*t. Sorry to all the kids out there who are avid readers of my blog – and you probably make up most of my fanbase. I shouldn’t have sworn. My apologies.
10. Ali gets to have a one-on-one date in her hood. Best line: I’m so ready to give Jake my heart, my soul, my
We see the usual boring party before the roses are forked out and then: Tenley, Ali, Gia, Vienna. No surprise that Corrie is going home. To all the young girls out there, the lesson is this: it’s still okay to save yourself for marriage, and don’t ever go on a reality tv show. Ever.
Now that we’re down to four girls and hometown dates, time to put yourselves out there blog readers, and make your call for last cat standing.
My pick: Tenley
Unless Vienna changes her hair colour.
I’m not kidding, either.
Also, does each season gets shorter and shorter? Here's to hoping that next season's Bach is just one episode long. Or perhaps a three-night mini-series. Ahhh, the long lost mini-series.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Bachelor On The Wings of Love Episode 4: This one is soooo boring
Hey y'all. How's it going? I decided that tonight, to challenge myself, I would watch the show in its entirety, without fastforwarding (or rewinding), just to see if I could do it. It's a two hour show, so let's not get ridiculous. Here are my thoughts, in 'real' time:
8:30 Previously, on The Bachelor….Chris’ gentle voice whispers in my ear and I look up to see the usual montage of clips from past episodes: bungee jumping, pool smooches, comedy club mischief (not), dissing Vienna, Vienna defending herself. Plus a warning from Jake about tonight: “You need to be prepared to get extremely dirty”. Oh Jake, you saucy minx. Also a preview of…wait for it…drama and a twist involving a serious tete-a-tete with Chris Harrison. Quite the bromance those two have going on. But whatevs with the drama, Jake, I’ll wait and judge for myself.
8:32 Chris joins the ladies in the living room to talk about the great dates lined up this week. The dreaded two-on-one date is mentioned. Chris makes a shocking announcement and the ladies rush outside. ROADTRIP, Y’ALL! Chris explains that they’re leaving the house. Forever. So, one of two things is going on: ABC couldn’t pay the lease on the sweet house or they couldn’t risk any more of the girls entering into relationships with staffers. Their new homes are two big ole trucks. Ella is fixin’ to get on these RVs, y’all. Spending that much time, on an RV, with this group of broads = NIGHTMARE.
8:35 First glass of champagne cracked. Well, the first onscreen glass of champagne. Personally, I’m well into my second bottle.
8:36 Jake’s on a motorcycle. We see him pull into a winery and up to an orange tent. Is this his new Bachelor pad? Wow, ABC really did not pay the rent and thankfully, no staffers in sight. Meanwhile, the girls speculate about who will go on the two-on-one date. Yawn.
8:39 Jake talks about how outdoorsy he is. Vienna is bold. The girls set up blue folding chairs and Gia reads her own date card: “Let’s go over the moon and over the stars”.
8:40 First commercial break. All I know is, Luke Wilson must owe someone a crap load of money.
8:42 We’re back and Jake is shaving his beard in the great outdoors. Of course, he changes his shirt and we catch a view of the abs. God I need a shot of tequila. Badly. Jake is such a rugged mountain man. He and Gia take off on a motorcycle.
8:44 They play hide and seek in the vineyard. No really, can you imagine doing this? So ridiculous. Maybe I’m just not romantic, but seriously, ridiculous. Jake carries her around the vineyard and they talk about fairy tales. Gia reveals (shocker) that she was a nerd back in the day. Jake reveals he was in the 11th grade when he had his first kiss. They play spin the bottle. Seems sincere. I mean, as sincere as you can be while dating eight other girls on a tv show.
8:48 commercial break. My finger itches to hit that fast forward on the PVR. How do you guys watch this show in its entirety, commercials and all. It’s killing me.
8:52 Back in Jake’s tent. Dinner is hot dogs and smores. All jokes aside, this is close to a ‘real date’. Closer than having a private performance with Chicago, or Martina McBride, or having dinner in Frank Sinatra’s house. Nice date, actually. But the rose looms large beside the fire. Will New York Gia get the rose? Gia tells Jake what she wants out of life; she’s got it all figured out, right down the pot bellied pig.
8:55 The girls read the group date card: Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna and Corrie (meaning the two-on-one date will be with Ella and Kathryn). Who the hell is Kathryn?
8:57 First rose of the long evening given to Gia. In the background, On the Wings of Love, muzak style. Jake says Gia is a complex city girl. What the hell is complex about city girls? In spite of her like/love for Jake I decide that I like Gia.
9:00 Commercial break.
9:02 Back in the RVs. We’re leaving the vineyard. Off to Pismo Beach. Nice map graphic, ABC, nice. Jake (or his stunt double) is riding his scooter down the beach. Did I say scooter? Yup. I did. Now the RVs are driving down the beach, going what looks to be 100 mph. Hope there’s no one lounging on the beach. Jake explains that this is one of the only beaches that you can drive on. Phew. I didn’t think Jake was a lawbreaker.
Anyhow…
9:06 The date is dune buggy driving. Jake chose this because he wants to see who is timid at driving dune buggies. Because that is really what makes a marriage solid: the ability to drive a dune buggy. I love the words: dune buggy. Dune. Dune. Dune. Buggy. Buggy. Buggy. Wow, this is a boring date.
Next up…
9:08 Sand surfing. Looks fun and Jake is making a connection, if you will, with Tenley. Some wine and food and then Corrie rolls down the hill with Jake. Literally, rolls down a sand hill. Corrie is really starting to open up. Or so says Jake.
9:10 Commercial break. I realize we are not even an hour into this show. Wow. Okay, I’m caving. Next commercial break I’m hitting the fast forward button, fo sho. I’ve got better things to do, like make a root beer float.
9:15 Jake says he loves dirty girls. Chortle chortle chortle. The group date continues at some random fun house and the girls clean up after their dirty day at the beach. The rose looms large, yet again. His first one-on-one is with Ashleigh. She is bold, physically, and Jake is not buying. Or maybe he is. Jake gives her a peck on the cheek. He admits (to the camera) that he’s not feeling the chemistry and they’re not progressing. Next is Ali. Jake seems exhausted mentally by all these crazy chicks and I don’t blame him. This is draining, and I’m just watching it.
9:20 Back at the campsite, Gia reads the two-on-one date card. The girls are stressed.
9:21 Tenley and Jake have some one-on-one time. Tenley has an ex-husband? I forgot about that. Or I didn’t care in the first place. Tenley seems alright. I gotta say, this episode is a bit boring. Where’s the drama?
9:23 Last but not least, Vienna. How come we didn’t see Jessie? Did I miss it? Jake tells Vienna that she’s bringing the hate from the other girls onto herself. He tells her to be careful what to say in front of the other girls.
9:25 And the rose goes to….Tenley.
9:26 Commercial break and I’m fast forwarding. Dear PVR, I’ve never loved you more.
9:26 (oh yeah, it’s that fast). Back in the RVs. Off to Big Sur (thanks again for the map, ABC). I know that I’ve said it before, but there’s no way Ella is 29. Having said that, I hope she sticks around. I try to think how I would be on a date like this. Sullen, flirty, chatty, serious, drunk, obnoxious, shy? All of the above?
9:31 The two girls are having dinner with Jake in his cabin. It’s sooo awkward at the table. It’s like Kathryn isn’t even there. I felt sorry for her until I remembered she signed up for a reality tv show that involved competing with other women for one guy.
9:35 After Ella gives her speech, Kathryn and Jake have some one-on-one time. There’s tension but Jake doesn’t see it coming. Kathryn lays into him, or tries to, but she caves.
9:37 Commercial break + FF
9:37 Jake is leaning over a railing, trying to make a decision.
9:38 That was quick – he decides to send Ella home, not before giving her the old ‘you are such an amazing person; truly a complete package’. I’m not that surprised, Ella and her red satin jacket wouldn’t have made it that long in the forest anyhow.
9:41 Back to Kathryn. She thinks she’s safe. I think she’s safe. But no, a curveball. Jake sends her home, too. Nice move, Jake. Nice. She gives him the classic “I think you’re making a mistake” but I think not. Jake stands by it and she leaves.
9:43 Are Kathryn and Ella on opposite sides of the same limo?
9:45 Commercial break, but not before Jake throws the rose in the fire. Wow. Dramatic.
9:45 Seven girls remain; only one girl will go home tonight (I predict Jessie). They arrive at a gorgeous mansion for the Rose Ceremony. Jake needs a shot. So do I, just to wake up. Wow this is a boring episode.
9:48 One-on-one time with Corrie. Jake likes her but admonishes her for not opening up. Do you like how I used ‘admonishes’. Classic.
9:49 Ali has one-on-one time next.
9:51 Jessie uses her one-on-one time to diss Vienna.
9:52 My husband walks into the room: “That show isn’t over yet??”
9:53 Vienna’s one-on-one time.
9:54 Still waiting for the drama that was promised to me.
9:55 Commercial break
9:56 The Rose Ceremony begins with four roses to hand out. Jake is sheepish and gives The Speech.
9:57 Third rose (first of the Rose Ceremony): Ali
9:58 Fourth rose: Corrie
9:59 Fifth rose: Jake can’t do it; he needs a minute. I’m starting to see why this cat is single. Jake meets up with Chris; he needs advice. Jake wants to get rid of two girls, what do the rules say? Chris puts on his best poker face and then…
10:01 Commercial break
10:01 Chris says that Jake can send two home (I’m paraphrasing, naturally. Watch the show if you want to see what he really said). Is this the drama? Not so dramatic. We’re down to Vienna, Ashleigh and Jessie. Only one rose.
10:03 Ladies, Jake, blog readers, this is now the final rose of the night.
10:04 Final rose: Vienna. No surprises here, Jessie (who we barely heard from) and Ashleigh are headed home. The girls spend the rest of the time stunned about Jake’s ‘decision’ to keep Vienna around.
Next week: San Fran and more Vienna bashing.
8:30 Previously, on The Bachelor….Chris’ gentle voice whispers in my ear and I look up to see the usual montage of clips from past episodes: bungee jumping, pool smooches, comedy club mischief (not), dissing Vienna, Vienna defending herself. Plus a warning from Jake about tonight: “You need to be prepared to get extremely dirty”. Oh Jake, you saucy minx. Also a preview of…wait for it…drama and a twist involving a serious tete-a-tete with Chris Harrison. Quite the bromance those two have going on. But whatevs with the drama, Jake, I’ll wait and judge for myself.
8:32 Chris joins the ladies in the living room to talk about the great dates lined up this week. The dreaded two-on-one date is mentioned. Chris makes a shocking announcement and the ladies rush outside. ROADTRIP, Y’ALL! Chris explains that they’re leaving the house. Forever. So, one of two things is going on: ABC couldn’t pay the lease on the sweet house or they couldn’t risk any more of the girls entering into relationships with staffers. Their new homes are two big ole trucks. Ella is fixin’ to get on these RVs, y’all. Spending that much time, on an RV, with this group of broads = NIGHTMARE.
8:35 First glass of champagne cracked. Well, the first onscreen glass of champagne. Personally, I’m well into my second bottle.
8:36 Jake’s on a motorcycle. We see him pull into a winery and up to an orange tent. Is this his new Bachelor pad? Wow, ABC really did not pay the rent and thankfully, no staffers in sight. Meanwhile, the girls speculate about who will go on the two-on-one date. Yawn.
8:39 Jake talks about how outdoorsy he is. Vienna is bold. The girls set up blue folding chairs and Gia reads her own date card: “Let’s go over the moon and over the stars”.
8:40 First commercial break. All I know is, Luke Wilson must owe someone a crap load of money.
8:42 We’re back and Jake is shaving his beard in the great outdoors. Of course, he changes his shirt and we catch a view of the abs. God I need a shot of tequila. Badly. Jake is such a rugged mountain man. He and Gia take off on a motorcycle.
8:44 They play hide and seek in the vineyard. No really, can you imagine doing this? So ridiculous. Maybe I’m just not romantic, but seriously, ridiculous. Jake carries her around the vineyard and they talk about fairy tales. Gia reveals (shocker) that she was a nerd back in the day. Jake reveals he was in the 11th grade when he had his first kiss. They play spin the bottle. Seems sincere. I mean, as sincere as you can be while dating eight other girls on a tv show.
8:48 commercial break. My finger itches to hit that fast forward on the PVR. How do you guys watch this show in its entirety, commercials and all. It’s killing me.
8:52 Back in Jake’s tent. Dinner is hot dogs and smores. All jokes aside, this is close to a ‘real date’. Closer than having a private performance with Chicago, or Martina McBride, or having dinner in Frank Sinatra’s house. Nice date, actually. But the rose looms large beside the fire. Will New York Gia get the rose? Gia tells Jake what she wants out of life; she’s got it all figured out, right down the pot bellied pig.
8:55 The girls read the group date card: Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna and Corrie (meaning the two-on-one date will be with Ella and Kathryn). Who the hell is Kathryn?
8:57 First rose of the long evening given to Gia. In the background, On the Wings of Love, muzak style. Jake says Gia is a complex city girl. What the hell is complex about city girls? In spite of her like/love for Jake I decide that I like Gia.
9:00 Commercial break.
9:02 Back in the RVs. We’re leaving the vineyard. Off to Pismo Beach. Nice map graphic, ABC, nice. Jake (or his stunt double) is riding his scooter down the beach. Did I say scooter? Yup. I did. Now the RVs are driving down the beach, going what looks to be 100 mph. Hope there’s no one lounging on the beach. Jake explains that this is one of the only beaches that you can drive on. Phew. I didn’t think Jake was a lawbreaker.
Anyhow…
9:06 The date is dune buggy driving. Jake chose this because he wants to see who is timid at driving dune buggies. Because that is really what makes a marriage solid: the ability to drive a dune buggy. I love the words: dune buggy. Dune. Dune. Dune. Buggy. Buggy. Buggy. Wow, this is a boring date.
Next up…
9:08 Sand surfing. Looks fun and Jake is making a connection, if you will, with Tenley. Some wine and food and then Corrie rolls down the hill with Jake. Literally, rolls down a sand hill. Corrie is really starting to open up. Or so says Jake.
9:10 Commercial break. I realize we are not even an hour into this show. Wow. Okay, I’m caving. Next commercial break I’m hitting the fast forward button, fo sho. I’ve got better things to do, like make a root beer float.
9:15 Jake says he loves dirty girls. Chortle chortle chortle. The group date continues at some random fun house and the girls clean up after their dirty day at the beach. The rose looms large, yet again. His first one-on-one is with Ashleigh. She is bold, physically, and Jake is not buying. Or maybe he is. Jake gives her a peck on the cheek. He admits (to the camera) that he’s not feeling the chemistry and they’re not progressing. Next is Ali. Jake seems exhausted mentally by all these crazy chicks and I don’t blame him. This is draining, and I’m just watching it.
9:20 Back at the campsite, Gia reads the two-on-one date card. The girls are stressed.
9:21 Tenley and Jake have some one-on-one time. Tenley has an ex-husband? I forgot about that. Or I didn’t care in the first place. Tenley seems alright. I gotta say, this episode is a bit boring. Where’s the drama?
9:23 Last but not least, Vienna. How come we didn’t see Jessie? Did I miss it? Jake tells Vienna that she’s bringing the hate from the other girls onto herself. He tells her to be careful what to say in front of the other girls.
9:25 And the rose goes to….Tenley.
9:26 Commercial break and I’m fast forwarding. Dear PVR, I’ve never loved you more.
9:26 (oh yeah, it’s that fast). Back in the RVs. Off to Big Sur (thanks again for the map, ABC). I know that I’ve said it before, but there’s no way Ella is 29. Having said that, I hope she sticks around. I try to think how I would be on a date like this. Sullen, flirty, chatty, serious, drunk, obnoxious, shy? All of the above?
9:31 The two girls are having dinner with Jake in his cabin. It’s sooo awkward at the table. It’s like Kathryn isn’t even there. I felt sorry for her until I remembered she signed up for a reality tv show that involved competing with other women for one guy.
9:35 After Ella gives her speech, Kathryn and Jake have some one-on-one time. There’s tension but Jake doesn’t see it coming. Kathryn lays into him, or tries to, but she caves.
9:37 Commercial break + FF
9:37 Jake is leaning over a railing, trying to make a decision.
9:38 That was quick – he decides to send Ella home, not before giving her the old ‘you are such an amazing person; truly a complete package’. I’m not that surprised, Ella and her red satin jacket wouldn’t have made it that long in the forest anyhow.
9:41 Back to Kathryn. She thinks she’s safe. I think she’s safe. But no, a curveball. Jake sends her home, too. Nice move, Jake. Nice. She gives him the classic “I think you’re making a mistake” but I think not. Jake stands by it and she leaves.
9:43 Are Kathryn and Ella on opposite sides of the same limo?
9:45 Commercial break, but not before Jake throws the rose in the fire. Wow. Dramatic.
9:45 Seven girls remain; only one girl will go home tonight (I predict Jessie). They arrive at a gorgeous mansion for the Rose Ceremony. Jake needs a shot. So do I, just to wake up. Wow this is a boring episode.
9:48 One-on-one time with Corrie. Jake likes her but admonishes her for not opening up. Do you like how I used ‘admonishes’. Classic.
9:49 Ali has one-on-one time next.
9:51 Jessie uses her one-on-one time to diss Vienna.
9:52 My husband walks into the room: “That show isn’t over yet??”
9:53 Vienna’s one-on-one time.
9:54 Still waiting for the drama that was promised to me.
9:55 Commercial break
9:56 The Rose Ceremony begins with four roses to hand out. Jake is sheepish and gives The Speech.
9:57 Third rose (first of the Rose Ceremony): Ali
9:58 Fourth rose: Corrie
9:59 Fifth rose: Jake can’t do it; he needs a minute. I’m starting to see why this cat is single. Jake meets up with Chris; he needs advice. Jake wants to get rid of two girls, what do the rules say? Chris puts on his best poker face and then…
10:01 Commercial break
10:01 Chris says that Jake can send two home (I’m paraphrasing, naturally. Watch the show if you want to see what he really said). Is this the drama? Not so dramatic. We’re down to Vienna, Ashleigh and Jessie. Only one rose.
10:03 Ladies, Jake, blog readers, this is now the final rose of the night.
10:04 Final rose: Vienna. No surprises here, Jessie (who we barely heard from) and Ashleigh are headed home. The girls spend the rest of the time stunned about Jake’s ‘decision’ to keep Vienna around.
Next week: San Fran and more Vienna bashing.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Bachelor On The Wings of Love Episode 2: I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With Any Staffer.
You know, two hours is a long time to watch any television show, let alone one with such brilliance, intensity and drama as The Bachelor. It's actually a long time for a movie, especially if it's He's Just Not That Into You (or HJNTIY if that's your bag), which I think ran at close to two and a half hours. Oh yeah, I've watched it. Read the book, too. Don't worry - I don't live with fifty cats and my parents. Anymore. Or yet.
But I digress - the Bach is an interesting show to blog about because, let's be honest with one another, blog reader, there is no shortage of ridiculous, dramatic, emotional, hilarious and stupid moments on The Bachelor. In fact, they never end. Every single line, every look, every time Jake chortles, every time Chris tings his champagne glass...they're all blog worthy. But, in this day and age, who has time for reading long blog posts, other than me? So, out of respect for you, for Chris, for Jake, for the ladies, and for all the 'staffers' on the Bachelor, I'm going to pick my top 10 lines of tonight's episode and recap tonight's madcap adventure we affectionally call The Bachelor from there.
Enjoy, y'all.
1. My hands are disgustingly dripping with sweat right now, like a five year old getting ready for recess with his girlfriend. (Spoken by girl-next-door Christina at the start of the first group date, a photo shoot with In Style mag with six of the girls.)
Um, what? A five-year-old 'getting ready' for recess? With his girlfriend? What exactly does that look like? I do feel for Christina, because I'd probably feel the same way. I would probably rather be doing a math test, too. First of all, a photoshoot is not really a date. Any activity with five other girls around is not what I'd really call 'a date', but whatever. Christina getting wasted on said group date probably didn't help her case either.
2. I felt like I got the shaft. (Roz to Jake about the photoshoot on the group date.)
Yeah, insert your own punchline here, people.
3. Today, I can show Ali how calm and free aviation really is. Feelings are taking off. (Jake to no one in particular (the viewers, I guess) during his date with Ali.)
God, I love Jake and every word that comes out of his mouth. Like saying 'aviation' instead of 'flying'. I know, I know, don't sweat the small stuff. But I can't help it.
Sidebar: On the Wings of Love is truly a classic song. And yeah, I blogged about that last week. And then had that song in my head all last week. On the Wings of Love, only the two of us, together flying high. Flying high up on the wings of love. Guess what, you'll have that in your head now, too.
I apologize for thinking Ali would be the one who had an inappropriate relationship. I now like Ali. Nice work, Bach producers, nice work. Next up we have Chicago in a private concert. Saturday, in the park, I think it was the 4th of July...and then: You're the meaning in my life, you're the inspiration. I wanna have you near me, I wanna have you hear me say, no one needs you more than I need you. When you love somebody, till the end of time. Was one of those cats Peter Cetera? I think not. Peter Cetera would turn over in his grave if he heard that Chicago was playing on the Bachelor, save for the fact that he is still alive and well and not turning in a grave anytime soon.
4. You entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers. That staffer is no longer working with us. (Chris Harrison to every single person he ran into on the set. Every. Single. Person.)
The line that will now go down as the most infamous one in Bachelor history. My first thought was, did Brad Womack get a job with the Bachelor? Because I could see Roz getting up his grill. Is that what the kids say? Grill? Whatever, you know I just like to bring up Brad Womack any chance I get. But back to the matter at hand. Chris Harrison deserves an Emmy for his performance in this episode alone. I'm not kidding. He has the best poker face ever. Awesome, awesome, awesome. I especially love how he says that she didn't just 'have' an inappropriate relationship, she 'entered' into one. Gasp. Why are the broads crying about this at the Rose Ceremony? I'd be laughing my ass off. And don't think I wouldn't. It's hilarious, Chris Harrison, I know you want to laugh, too.
5. It's naked and it's natural and it's me. (Elizabeth to Jake.)
Settle down, all you guys out there who pretend to hate the show but watch it faithfully every week. Ain't nobody getting naked. Yet. Elizabeth is just talking about what note writing means to her. I still like Elizabeth, and think she'll make it pretty far, plus the boots she was wearing at Six Flags were killer. But the whole note writing thing kind of lost a few points in my mind. Imagine if the tables were turned, and some dude read out a note he wrote. Oh wait a minute. Ryan Sutter anyone? Jason Mesnick probably? Ug. She did get her points back for her exchange with Jake during the fireworks. He's such a dolt, though. Seriously.
6. How could you not want to kiss me? (Said by Ashley (the PhD one, not the Miss America one) to the camera after Jake didn't take her bait.)
The bait being a look she gave him. Listen sister, I'm no expert in dudes, but a look is probably not going to cut it. He's was probably already looking the other way when said look was given. She's one part Maggie Gyllenhaal, one part Katie Holmes. I'll miss her. Oh. Spoiler Alert.
7. I have a rose, bee-yotch. (Said by Roz at the start of the Cocktail Party.)
Famous last words, Roz. Famous. Last. Words. Truthfully, I would hazard a guess (now who's being a dolt? Answer: Me.) that Roz probably didn't have sex with a staffer, but probably did violate some minor detail of her contract, which of course had to be played up to the nth degree, because really, without the Roz drama of this episode, what would we have been left with? Two hours that would have been better spent watching HJNTIY. Oh yeah, I went there. The show would have been that boring. Yawns all around. Even Michelle's drama-rama fell pretty flat.
8. She's friggin' Debbie Downer every single day, all day. (Said by Vienna about Michelle.)
Why is it that lines like this that win me over? Yes, Vienna is now in my 'hope she makes it far' column. But not too far. Let's not be ridiculous.
9. I don't think my personal life is really anyone's business. (Roz to Chris after 'The Confrontation'.)
I literally spit out my drink at this point. Um. Roz, when you signed a contract stating you'd be on a 'dating' show with 20 or so other 'contestants', I'm pretty sure your personal life just became my bizness, mmmkay? Thanks Roz. Now pack your bags and get the hell out of here. Don't let Chris-Bot's poker face distract you. He's been practicing that speech. He's probably drunk. But yeah, Roz, too bad. She definitely got the shaft on that one (Baaaa-zing!). Love how they show her packing. Was that the 'staffer' helping her pack? Hot stuff.
10 Can I get my rose back? (Jake to Chris after 'The Discussion'.)
Nice recovery, Jake. Way to not pull a Mesnick on this one. I gotta give him credit for that. Although...he did lean over the railing....no tears, though. Close to a Mesnick. So close. But not yet.
Bonus: I just hope giving Roz a rose is the only bad decision I've made so far. (Jake to me personally).
Um, you might be eating those words later, Jake.
And, the Cocktail Party comes to an abrupt end with Roz leaving. So. Cut to the Rose Giveaway:
Who Stays: Nanny Elizabeth, 'Friggin' Vienna, Gia, Tenley, Birthday Girl Ella, Valisha (forgot about her), Corrie (forgot about her too), Jessie (the Canuck), Ashleigh (Miss America), Michelle (whaaa?), and Kathryn (who?)
And Who Goes: Roz of course. Also Christina, and PhD Ashley.
Strange mix of girls to keep, no?
Monday, January 4, 2010
Bachelor On The Wings Of Love Episode 1: Can't Believe I Wasted a Whole Night Watching This
Earlier, I was thinking about how I was a slack blogger during last season's Bachelor and I thought I should share my excuse with you all. Part way though the Mesnick Chronicles of January 2009 I was a few minutes into an episode when my super pregnant body decided it was time to go in to labour. I 'sat' through the whole damn episode, contractions coming one on top of the other (not sure about this whole 7 minutes apart thing, because I never had them that far apart), cursing Jason Mesnick and then heading off to the hospital to birth my daughter the following day. Devoted fan, you say? Eh, maybe. Denial about impending motherhood? Eh, maybe. Needless to say, the rest of that season was a bit of a write-off. But thankfully, Jason Mesnick offed Jillian and Jillian offed Jake and Jake pulled a Mesnick and here we are, the Circle of Life continuing on and on and on. And I'm back to blog about it. Bring it on, Chris-Bot!
First of all,
I think the Bach is reaching a state of self-parody, what with all the r
idiculous pilot/flying references. The title of the whole damn season is 'Bachelor: On the Wings of Love' afterall. Why ABC didn't go with a Top Gun or even An Officer and a Gentleman theme is beyond me. And yes, I know in those movies that Tom Cruise didn't fly commercial planes and Richard Gere was in the navy or whatever, but come on. Either of those two themes would have been way better than 'Rose Air'. Imagine it: after each Rose Ceremony, instead of the all-too-predictable toasting of champagne glasses while rejected girls sulk off, Jake could ride off into the LA sunset with Take My Breath Away playing. Solid gold, ABC, solid gold. But I digress...get your boarding passes ready, we're ready to board Rose Air! (Oh lord, forget it, I can't do it. Just can't.We start with the usual, no surprises: a reminder of how Jillian rejected Jake, Jake being pensive and moody, wandering the streets of Dallas in a terrible yellow t-shirt, thinking about how sad and pathetic his life had become, walking around his apartment sans shirt, talking about the most powerful emotion (LOVE, duh!). Next we see slow-motion shots of Jake on top of a skyscraper, skipping rope and doing push-ups sans shirt (For those who didn't watch the episode and think I'm kidding, soooo not!). Then Jake talks about his flying career and his childhood (don't worry, as a child, Jake always wore a shirt. Phew!). Next, we see Jake doing yardwork (you guessed it, shirtless). I'll tell you what, it's a good thing this cat puts his shirt on to fly a plane, because that would be an awesome clip to see - a shirtless Jake flying a plane.
And then, for a brief moment I thought that ABC had read my mind: we see Jake driving a motorcycle around California, with sun setting, and, no kidding, a plane flying above (is that Maverick flying the plane?? Awesome!) Finally, we have a shirtless run down the beach with some talk about how optimistic he is about finding his fiancee. Yawn. Same old.
Next, we meet up with Chris-Bot and get a sneak peak at some of the girls. I'm struck by how much this feels like a Miss America Pageant all of a sudden. Some of the girls start piling into a limo. Meanwhile, back at the farm, Jake is pensive and stressed because he had to put a shirt on and he and Chris-Bot chat about snuggling on rainy afternoons (not with each other of course), looking for love, and all that. A final question from Chris before we meet the girls:
Chris: Would you give up flying for love?
Jake: (after a very long pause) Love is more powerful than flying.
Dear God, For that line alone, I love this show.
First limo arrives. Nothing too notable, except our very first flying reference from the very first girl out of the limo, Rozyln. (Wasn't she on Frasier?) 'You'd better fasten your seat belt. It's going to be a bumpy ride'. Groans heard all around. Emily, a Fit model. Not sure what a Fit Model is. Ali, no voice but holding a peacock feather. Jessie: 'Do you have a registry for these guns?' (As she feels his arms.) Not even sure where to start with that one. A registry? Like a wedding registry? You put your guns on a registry, you don't have a registry for guns. Brad Womack would have least come back with something like, 'Hey, don't be touching those until you show me your tickets for the gun show.' And only Brad Womack could pull off cheese like that.
Next limo arrives. There is no way Ella is only 29. I'm just sayin'. Her kid was probably driving the damn limo. Kathryn has her puffiest purple prom dress on. Caitlyn is a spokesmodel. Elizabeth stacks the deck by pulling out a trick coin (but it's not a bad move, considering all the other crap the girls pull). Alexa decides to wear her motorcyle gloves with her evening gown. Hot. Vienna gets bold by feeling his abs (based on her preview, she'll be the early call for nut job). Corrie screws up her opening line: What do you think about Kissimmee? Kissimmee, Florida, you crazy skank. God, all these girls have waaay over-practiced their opening lines. I know they're trying hard to be memorable, but come on. Mentioning college football teams (Kimberly) and bringing dirt from your family reunion (Valishia) is just going too far. Next is Gia from Manhattan. Sooo pageant-y.
At this point, I've lost track of limos (and girls). The girls are coming in too fast for me to keep up. Or to care. Thankfully Chris shows up after the first 15 to give us all a breather.
Next up: Elizabeth, the nanny no mom wants to hire, who likes snowboarding and football. I like guys but this girl is hot. There is no way she's going home early. Channy will approve your mortgage for you while wearing a short dress and speaking Cambodian. Ashley, with a cardboard spinner and a big rack (oh yeah, I went there). Tiana, a Vancouverite (ahem) with no stupid one-liners, thankfully. Christina, the guy's girl with a basket full of jelly beans or some type of candy as a parting prize for all the other girls. I'm seriously not surprised some of these girls are single.
Ashleigh, with a dress cut way too short (nice camera work, by the way, ABC), and absolutley no balance. She actually tripped and fell right into his arms. Dear God, I love this show. Kirsten, who bashes Jillian. Stephanie, a dance teacher who wants to get the first dance with Jake. Sheila, a commercial pilot, who actually is wearing aviators. Michelle, an idiot who comes out of the limo pretending to be an airplane. Seriously. Is Jake a two-year-old? She tries to flirt with Jake by saying 'I, um, want to be a passenger, um, on your plane, maybe?' Hot.
Jake gives the girls a pep talk and then the party begins. Champagne flows. Claws come out. Sparks fly. Eyes roll. Hair gets flipped. There's talk about what zodiac sign everyone is (OMG, OMG, like, Jake's is aquarius. He's sooo dreamy, y'all). We learn that Jake is looking for inner beauty. Gag. One-on-one time begins. Girls get drunk and dresses get ripped accidently. Chicks get bitchy. Nothing surprising.
And then, the unthinkable happens: Channy says something in Cambodian, and then translates to English for us stupid people: 'Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime.' Never in my life have I wished for subtitles, because hearing her say it in Cambodian while reading it in English would have been priceless. WORST LINE EVER. I tweeted Chris Harrison earlier (oh yeah, I'm a cool social media chick, wouldn't you know, what with my 15 or so followers and all) that if I heard this, I might just have to quit the show. Surprisingly, Chris didn't reply to my tweet. DON'T MAKE ME QUIT THE SHOW, CHANNY. Landing strip. Pffft. Honestly.
Then the girls inside start discussing landing strips and big boobs rubbing people the wrong way. You know, girly stuff. Might as well just put on some jammies and start a pillow fight, girls. Instead of pajamas, one of the bach'ettes dresses up in a skanky stewardess outfit. More champagne flows. The nanny throws a football better than Jake. I might just marry this chick myself. Or set her up with Brad Womack (oh yeah, that'll work just fine). Next up, Blondes vs. Brunettes in a football game. Can't believe Jake didn't suggest Shirts vs. Skins. What a dumbass.
More partying. More champagne. Impromptu dancing. Chicks getting jealous. Michelle starting to crack at the seams. Jillian and Ed showing up to help Jake make his selection. That's right, the guy needs help. Already. Ed is actually hilarious. I'd like to see more of him on this show. Michelle beats out Vienna for nut job status. I'm starting to die a little on the inside. Is two hours up yet? This show is killing me. Get to the roses already!
First Impression Rose goes to.....Tenley.
Finally. The Rose Ceremony. Wow. Longest blog post and longest episode ever. Who stays and who goes? Jake gives a small pep talk before the roses and he tells the girls that if they don't receive a rose, it's nothing personal. Um. Not personal? Seriously, Jake, you might as well just pull a Mesnick right now, keep quiet, and fork over the roses.
Keepsies: Tenley, Ella (who's trying singlehandedly to bring back the banana clip), Nanny Elizabeth, Ali, Vienna, Christina (the guy's girl), Gia (Manhattenite), Ashley (stewardess outfit), Rozlyn (NOT from Frasier afterall), Jessie (one of the Canucks), Corrie (from Kissimee), Valishia (who handed him dirt), Ashleigh (who stumbled and fell when they first met), Kathryn (with the fake engagement ring), and Michelle (the nut job).
Going Homesies: Alexa, Elizabeth, Kimberly, Tiana, Emily, Caitlyn, Gia, Channy (I know, I was surprised, too), Sheila, Kirsten.
We end with highlights from the upcoming season. Looks awesome. Tears, scandal, drama, love, all the usual stuff.
My early pick for last girl standing: the nanny
My pick for girl most likely to have the affair with the show's producer: Ali
What are your thoughts? To help digest your thoughts (and perhaps your bile), maybe this will help: On the Wings of Love
See you next week!
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